You Are So Funny....NOT!

Well, there are funny people, and there are funny people who are annoying.

I always appreciate the presence of funny people around me because they just do a hell of a good job at making me laugh. The one thing I like best about these funny people is that they would be conversing about something and suddenly they would say something that would be absolutely hilarious. Usually, they compare the topic we/they are talking about to something that they have experienced in the past, watched on tv, or read in a book. There are also those funny people who just randomly pull something out of their asses. What they say may or may not make sense, but it sure does crack me up (these are #1 on my list).

These are the kind of people I like. I always like it when they are being funny just because i love to laugh and they do a good job at making me laugh my lungs out. I always wait with bated breath for them to crack their  next joke!

And then there are the funny people who are annoying. Notice that I am still calling them funny.

These people have a good sense of humor, no doubt. But they are not the natural jokesters. Okay, sorry, they are, but they try too hard. Let me tell you what they do.

They crack a joke, and a person like me laughs. Immediately, two things happen. Either they get some kind of an ego boost and assume that their value went up on the "How funny are you" stock exchange, or they think that it is their moral responsibility to keep me happy by making me laugh constantly. And here is when they start mutating from funny to funny but annoying.

I usually don't like to break people's hearts. If they keep cracking jokes, I keep laughing (yes, fake laughter). But after a while my jaw starts to hurt, and I start blaming the supposed jokester for bringing misery to me. I immediately start praying to God to make that guy stop. If I am on an airplane, I immediately open a book or close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. But if I am in a social gathering stuck with this clown, I keep laughing. Sometimes the jokester sees my eyes water while I am laughing and immediately assumes that he is  doing a very good job. I wish he (sometimes she) knew that the tears were a direct result of the suffering his or her jokes (or should i say their will to keep going) were causing.

But just like so many other things in life it is pretty much impossible to escape this species. They are everywhere, and determined to ruin your day by being extremely funny.

I m Sending You An Email And Guess What..

Some people I know have recently been provided with smart phones, and needless to say, these folks are now sending emails from their phones to everybody. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with it. That's in fact a smart move. Send emails while watching tv, playing with your kids, driving..it's all good.

But here's the problem - they either do not want to type a lot on that tiny keyboard, or they have just become goddamn lazy (and rude), because what they do is they type the actual message in the subject of that email, and leave the body blank. Now when I read the subject line of that email on my phone or computer I obviously open it, thinking that there would be details in the goddamn body of that email. But guess what, I am always surprised because there is no goddamn text in that email. It's freaking blank!

That pisses me off. Why? I will tell you why.

Because 1), it wastes my time and energy. Reading the subject first and then opening the email (anticipating a detailed message) only to find out that there is nothing else being mentioned is an insult to my efforts. When I put some energy trying to get more information from an email, I expect to be rewarded. If you want to send one line messages to everybody, send us all a freaking text message on our phones. If you are too lazy to do that then at least mention "end of message", "that's it", or "over and out" (or whatever) at the end of the message in the subject line.

2) I just think it's rude. An electronic message is made of a number of parts (To, subject, body etc.) and I feel that each component of an email should be respected by providing content that it's meant to accept. If you are sending me just a file via email and I know that you are going to do that, then it's okay. Send me an email with an attachment and an empty body. Go crazy, I don't mind. But sending the message in the subject line is like disrespecting the "Body" part of that email. It's like snatching a toy from your kid and giving it to your dog. The kid doesn't deserve that treatment (I am okay with you snatching the toy from your dog and giving it to your kid though). And like I mentioned earlier, it's just rude to send an email without text in the actual goddamn body.

Lately I have been noticing a pattern. I can spot the email that would have an empty body instantly, and the first thing I do is cuss. I call the sender an asshole.

There. I am done bitching, and I feel good now.

Thanks For Reading, Dear..

The thing that really really annoys me is when I am addressed as "Dear" by someone. For example, If I get an email or a message that starts with "Hi Dear" or How are you dear" -  I freak out. I freak out even more when the email or message ends with "take care dear" or "bye dear". It is the worst end to a usually awesome email. And the funny thing is that only Indians seem to do this. Even guys. Okay, I can understand when a message from a girl comes with an extra coating of dearness - they are generally affectionate, and loving, and caring, and many (some?) of them believe in displaying their qualities with no or minimal subtleties.

But when guys do the same thing, I start to make faces, because that really disgusts me. I don't like it when guys go "ok take care dear, bbye!" or "Hey, remember me dear?", and like I said, for some reason unknown to me, or perhaps to mankind, only Indian folks do it. I don't know how it got in to their (our?) system, but it is devastating. The word makes me queasy for atleast four minutes, after which I promise myself that I would never use that word in a sentence ever. 

Another thing that annoys me is the bunch of emails with cute little puppies, kitties, babies, or very pretty flowers with the message "Good morning" or "have a great day", or something utterly similar and cliched and stupid. I mean, why in the world do you think your email would add goodness to my morning or greatness to my day? Do you think I would be pleased by looking at those animals and flowers so pretty that they are not at all seen in the real world, but only in emails sent by you awesomely brain dead imbeciles who think cuteness in an email somehow adds value to a certain someone's day? Oh and yeah, have you ever noticed how these emails are sent by the same assholes again and again, on a fairly regular basis?

It's just amazing how people keep doing the same thing for years as if it were their moral responsibility. Ask them to lend you some money, and they won't.  Try to borrow their video game or DVD for a day or two, and they would flatly refuse. But they would most certainly forward you those sickening emails that only make your day worse, even if you told them that they should stop those forwards with immediate effect. 

The worst part is when you notice that your name is the first in the huge "To" list on that email. 

Sick.

Sometimes I feel that I am way too honest and open on this blog. I probably should think twice before posting just about anything here simply because I don't want some people to know about what's going on in my life. 

Because they are assholes. 

A Messed Up World

"I have seen a lot - more than you can imagine. I find myself dealing with tough situations all the time. For me, the sky has never been blue. The air has never been fresh. My life smells like rancid milk. But I perhaps shouldn't complain too much, because things are getting better. Slightly.

I like my work. I enjoy going to my office everyday. I have made some really good friends at my workplace, and I cherish their friendship. My life has been tough right from the beginning, but I have started to enjoy it. At least that is what I would like to claim, and for that I thank the bunch of dear friends I have. I have started to believe that life is beautiful.

But perhaps I am one of those who can never be happy. I mean, I am not supposed to be.

I was sexually assaulted by someone I know very well today. Just because I am a woman and just because I had a few drinks with him made him think that he could do anything. With Me.

To me.

My life is shattered. I am disappointed. I can't tell anyone about it, and I don't want to take this secret to my grave. I want justice but don't know where to get it. I want justice but don't know how to get it. I want happiness but don't see it anywhere in vicinity. I want happiness but by now I am pretty sure it is not meant for me.

Misery is my best friend, and that doesn't make me too happy.

Did someone say I can buy happiness? I am sure they will run out of it by the time I reach the store.

This is something I can't forget for the rest of my life. A scar has been made on my body that will never go away. I am an educated and independent woman, but still very susceptible to exploitation by evil men.

I just hope this incident would not bother me too much. I have cried enough, and now I want to live my life with my head and chin held up high. I know I am a strong woman, but if this happens again, I honestly wouldn't know what to do."

Please Vote For Me..

Just finished watching an independent film called "Please Vote For Me" on PBS which is about holding elections for the first time in an elementary school in China (Guhan) to elect the class monitor. After watching this movie my evergrowing fascination for China went further north, but for a moment I thanked God that my childhood was not spent in China.

The story is about 3 candidates - Xu Xaiofei, a girl; Cheng Cheng, perhaps the naughtiest boy in the class; and Lou Lei, the current class monitor (also a boy). The selection process starts with a talent show (which I missed), and goes on to a debate round in which all the three candidates confront each other on a one on one basis. Cheng Cheng and Xu are first, and Cheng totally insults her. He tells her that she cries, and lacks confidence. He also tells her that she is a slow eater to which she replies back saying that it's a personal habit. Cheng cleverly tells her that she should be setting examples for other students if she becomes the class monitor. If she eats slowly, then how does she expect the other kids to eat fast?

After the debate, Cheng tells Xu that she should have been prepared. She runs away from the camera - crying.

Lou and Cheng - Cheng tells Lou that he is a dictator, and a fascist! He also goes on to say that if elected, he would be a manager, and not a dictator. He would treat everyone equal, and that he would not pull anyone's clothes. Lou defends by saying that he is strict because if he is not then the other kids won't listen to him. "Parents beat their children when they misbehave" is what he adds, to which Cheng quickly says, " You are not an adult".

I should perhaps not divulge more details about this fascinating story about 8 year olds and the adults in their lives, all pushing the little kids to extremes, telling them about their failures, about what they would do when they grow up if they give up now; the speeches, the giving of "gifts" to influence votes, and the "quick thinking" of those little kids that always keeps them in the competition.

At first I was a little upset when I saw the parents discussing the election with their kids, preparing speeches, and making the kids memorize them("Watch your tone and expressions"), and getting annoyed when the kids did not listen. If I were a 8 year old in China, I probably would have ran away from my house. But, we as Indians are not new to pressure. We have been asked to meet our parents' demands all the times, and we have always tried to fulfill them - how many times we succeeded (or failed, in my case) is a different story.

I am just amazed at the so many things that cultural differences have taught me.

Here's a preview of "Please Vote For Me":

Happy New Year!

Here's wishing a very happy new year to one and all. I hope this year brings cheer and happiness to all of us. The global recession is a bitch, but I just hope our lives are not affected too much by it. 

May peace and prosperity reign this year. 

Amen.

Don't Do It Again..Please

Confession.

I really hate it when people say "Welcome to the club". To be more specific - whenever I do/ buy something I tell people about it. If those people have already done/ bought it they say " welcome to the club". They usually have a smile on their face that tries to convey a certain message which goes something like, "hey, you know what, you did what I had done a long time ago, and your life would have been totally incomplete if you hadn't done what you just did."

I don't care about the message being conveyed, but the phrase annoys me - annoys me so much that I almost make an ugly face when somebody says it. In my mind I say WTF? to myself, but keep quiet. No I don't keep quiet. For some strange reason I say "thank you" to the other person (WTF, right?). And then I smile. I don't let the annoyance brewing inside me show on my face. I just decide not to offend the other person.

If you really want to use that phrase on me, use it when I really join a club that you are already a member of. Please don't otherwise. Please.

I hate it.

Another phrase that totally annoys me is "believe you me". I go "WTF?" every time someone says it. It doesn't make sense at all. If someone asks my name, do you think I would say "My is name Venkat"? I am sure you said no to that.

So all you nice people out there - if your friend does/ buys something that you already have - don't annoy them. Don't try to welcome them to a non existent club that only you are a member of. Say "Oh how nice!" or "Cool!" or "Attboy/girl" instead.

Thank you.

ODC??Power User??...Namaste Ji!

I met this very nice guy a few days ago (he is Abnormal's friend) who has come from India on a project. We started talking about software projects in India ,and at the end of the conversation I realized that I now have a decent understanding of how onsite/offshore teams function. He was very kind and patient - I had so many questions and he answered all of them. I now understand how people are selected, how they are placed in projects, and what can they do to get kicked out of a team/project/company. His profession as a techie guy has allowed him to travel to many countries - he mentioned Germany, Singapore, New Zealand, and the US. I asked him if it's fun to travel around the world on a ticket paid for by the office. He said it can be, but the shorter trips don't mean much (~a month). Apparently monday to friday is spent in office, and there is only so much you can do on weekends. I guess it does make sense. But still, I think all them techie guys in India are damn lucky :-).

Dang! I should have taken a picture with him! I like getting my pictures taken with nice people.

Anyway, a different story - this is more about my experiences with random nice people. There is a lady at the Wal-mart I go to who looks hispanic, and has great interest in Hindi. Every time I meet her she greets me with the usual namaste. I think she learns words and phrases from other Indian customers too, because after the usual namaste, she once said kya haal hai? (how are you?) and something else the second time. She asked me to teach her "good morning" and "good afternoon". I did tell her what good morning was in hindi (I wrote it down on a piece of paper), but guess what - I did not know what good afternoon was. I totally blanked out. I tried to recall, I was pretty sure I knew what it was, but just could not come up with a/the word. This was yet another moment where I made a fool of myself by giving the impression that I don't know stuff about my own country/language. Digression - this keeps happening to me at work, when my colleagues ask me "India" questions and more often than not, I don't have an accurate answer. I sometimes make things up, but I do tell them that "I may be wrong". Then I usually look it up on Wikipedia and go, "oh! this is what it is!". Anyway, so I sheepishly told the lady that I don't know what good afternoon is in hindi( I actually wanted to say that there's no hindi equivalent of good afternoon, but stopped - I did not want to make a fool of myself yet again), said bbye, and walked out of the store, thinking how stupid I really am.

I might not go that lady's register again.

Nah, I will.