You Are So Funny....NOT!

Well, there are funny people, and there are funny people who are annoying.

I always appreciate the presence of funny people around me because they just do a hell of a good job at making me laugh. The one thing I like best about these funny people is that they would be conversing about something and suddenly they would say something that would be absolutely hilarious. Usually, they compare the topic we/they are talking about to something that they have experienced in the past, watched on tv, or read in a book. There are also those funny people who just randomly pull something out of their asses. What they say may or may not make sense, but it sure does crack me up (these are #1 on my list).

These are the kind of people I like. I always like it when they are being funny just because i love to laugh and they do a good job at making me laugh my lungs out. I always wait with bated breath for them to crack their  next joke!

And then there are the funny people who are annoying. Notice that I am still calling them funny.

These people have a good sense of humor, no doubt. But they are not the natural jokesters. Okay, sorry, they are, but they try too hard. Let me tell you what they do.

They crack a joke, and a person like me laughs. Immediately, two things happen. Either they get some kind of an ego boost and assume that their value went up on the "How funny are you" stock exchange, or they think that it is their moral responsibility to keep me happy by making me laugh constantly. And here is when they start mutating from funny to funny but annoying.

I usually don't like to break people's hearts. If they keep cracking jokes, I keep laughing (yes, fake laughter). But after a while my jaw starts to hurt, and I start blaming the supposed jokester for bringing misery to me. I immediately start praying to God to make that guy stop. If I am on an airplane, I immediately open a book or close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. But if I am in a social gathering stuck with this clown, I keep laughing. Sometimes the jokester sees my eyes water while I am laughing and immediately assumes that he is  doing a very good job. I wish he (sometimes she) knew that the tears were a direct result of the suffering his or her jokes (or should i say their will to keep going) were causing.

But just like so many other things in life it is pretty much impossible to escape this species. They are everywhere, and determined to ruin your day by being extremely funny.

Flying Woes

Air travel has never been easy for me. No, I don't vomit when the plane is mid air, nor do I get panic attacks like some people. I am one of those guys whose flight is always delayed or canceled. If not delayed or canceled, I miss it, and it's never my own fault. I have been known to sleep at airports (on the cold floor) on numerous occasions, or sprint at full speed to catch my next flight (which I still miss), and that happens because my bad luck is always working overtime to keep me away from my final destination.

I recently realized that I am always in the last seating zone (it has always been 4). I have never been in 2 or even 3 (1? forget about it!). I am always at the end of the queue to board the flight. What makes this matter worse is that usually with Seating 4 "everyone else" is allowed to board the flight which means that those assholes from Seating 1, 2 and 3 who missed the announcement earlier get to board the flight with me, which in turn means that if they join the queue before me then I am further pushed back in the queue. But that's not the worst part.

The worst part is that because I am one of the last ones to board, all the space above the seats to keep your carry-on is full, and I always have a tough time dealing with adjusting others' luggage to make way for mine. Sometimes I have to give my bag to the flight attendant and she finds space for it somewhere. Occasionally the bag would go at the back of the plane, which means that I have to wait for it to come to me when I deboard, and if I am in a time crunch, this situation makes sure that my next flight is missed.

Since traditionally I have had such a horrible experience flying in and out, don't I deserve some kind of a nice treatment in the future to make up for all the sufferings? How about Seating 3 to start with?

I m Sending You An Email And Guess What..

Some people I know have recently been provided with smart phones, and needless to say, these folks are now sending emails from their phones to everybody. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with it. That's in fact a smart move. Send emails while watching tv, playing with your kids, driving..it's all good.

But here's the problem - they either do not want to type a lot on that tiny keyboard, or they have just become goddamn lazy (and rude), because what they do is they type the actual message in the subject of that email, and leave the body blank. Now when I read the subject line of that email on my phone or computer I obviously open it, thinking that there would be details in the goddamn body of that email. But guess what, I am always surprised because there is no goddamn text in that email. It's freaking blank!

That pisses me off. Why? I will tell you why.

Because 1), it wastes my time and energy. Reading the subject first and then opening the email (anticipating a detailed message) only to find out that there is nothing else being mentioned is an insult to my efforts. When I put some energy trying to get more information from an email, I expect to be rewarded. If you want to send one line messages to everybody, send us all a freaking text message on our phones. If you are too lazy to do that then at least mention "end of message", "that's it", or "over and out" (or whatever) at the end of the message in the subject line.

2) I just think it's rude. An electronic message is made of a number of parts (To, subject, body etc.) and I feel that each component of an email should be respected by providing content that it's meant to accept. If you are sending me just a file via email and I know that you are going to do that, then it's okay. Send me an email with an attachment and an empty body. Go crazy, I don't mind. But sending the message in the subject line is like disrespecting the "Body" part of that email. It's like snatching a toy from your kid and giving it to your dog. The kid doesn't deserve that treatment (I am okay with you snatching the toy from your dog and giving it to your kid though). And like I mentioned earlier, it's just rude to send an email without text in the actual goddamn body.

Lately I have been noticing a pattern. I can spot the email that would have an empty body instantly, and the first thing I do is cuss. I call the sender an asshole.

There. I am done bitching, and I feel good now.

I Am A Football Expert Because I Update My Facebook Status Every 10 Seconds

There's one aspect of smart phones that I am not really liking these days, and that aspect is the Facebook app. Now don't get me wrong. I spend most of my time holding my phone or my iPod Touch and checking out Facebook updates. However, there is something that is kind of annoying me, and it will stop on the 11th of this month for sure (I hope).

We all love football, and the last three weeks or so have been extra special because of the World Cup. Now this is where my problem starts. It goes without saying that everybody (including the ones who have never played football passionately but have watched the Lipstick League on cable every year) is an "armchair expert" of this game. I don't mind that. We all have opinions, and we all make judgments. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is that all of those so called experts are updating their Facebook statuses every 10 minutes on their phones. 

"OMG! OMG!"

"Handball!"

"That was not a fair yellow"

"$&^k the referee"

..and the list goes on.

I know that there was a goal. I know somebody got a red card, and I freaking know that the referees are not doing a good job. What I don't know is why you all cannot just quietly watch the game and keep your excitement and emotions to yourself or the people around you? 

Being a Facebook junkie, I keep checking my Facebook all the time, and all I see are these insane statuses - every 5 - 10 minutes. The biggest mistake I make is when I comment on somebody's status (or even just Like it for that matter). I keep notification emails about the fifteen of my friend's friends who just commented on his status right after mine. The phone keeps beeping and when I check my email, all I see is "Asshole # 1 commented on your Assholic friend's status", "Asshole # 2 commented on the same Assholic friend's status", and so on.

I don't mind post match comments, but commenting every 5 minutes while the game is still in progress? Don't you understand that nobody gives a chhit about your updates? And also, don't you know that those updates are awfully annoying (yes they are, if you said no to that question)?

I know nobody cares about the emotional trauma I go through when I read those updates, but please, for the love of God, let me watch the games in peace. I am not complaining, I am just saying that I don't want my phone to keep beeping all the time during my game only to tell me that an armchair expert just made a comment about a yellow card. 

Enjoy the World Cup my awesome Facebook friends!

Oops, I Did It Again!

A while ago I was thinking about how and where I embarrass myself, and came up with these:

The Hindu temple: I have a knack for saying or doing something that kind of irks the pandit or the people at the temple. The last time I went to the temple was around a month ago because it was an important occasion (and my mom forced me to go). That day I went to the temple wearing a green t-shirt with guitars on it, a faded blue jeans, and Chucks. When I entered the temple, I saw everyone else dressed up nicely (men in formal pants and buttoned shirts or kurta and women in sari)- and immediately felt ashamed of myself. I quickly offered my prayers and sneaked out quietly. To read more about my temple stories, click on the Temple Drama label.

During random conversations: I lose interest very quickly if the conversation is not interesting - I completely stop paying attention. My brain is always looking for opportunities to hibernate, and that is what it successfully does when I lose interest in a conversation. The two things that do not hibernate and remain active all the time though, are my head and vocal chords. So during a "lost interest already" conversation I keep nodding my head, and I keep saying "umhmm, umhmm", "yeah", "sure" and similar things just to maintain the continuity of the conversation without letting the other person know about the situation. But some people are smart - way too smart. They somehow come to know that I am not paying attention. They suddenly stop talking, and ask me, "so what did I just say?". Oops. That is when I shit bricks in my pants and grin like an idiot. I also admit defeat and say "sorry (I wasn't listening)". :D

Note: If you are talking to me and all you hear me say is one of the things I mentioned above, then you (now) know what's going on.

Social gatherings: I was telling someone recently about my "performance" when I am around other people - inconsistent. I can either be very comfortable and keep blabbering and clowning around like a buffoon , or, turn totally antisocial and just keep my mouth shut. Usually the antisocial situation occurs when either I do not know what the people are talking about, or people do not get my jokes. People not getting my jokes is more embarrassing because it's kind of awkward when I am the only one laughing like an asshole at the end of the joke. So if I am with you (and your friends) and I am acting strange, it's your fault.

Accent: It doesn't happen anymore but it used to when I came to the US a few years ago - I obviously had problems understanding the accent. If somebody said something and I didn't understand, I would just reply back keeping in mind the tone of their speech, and go, "yes", or "yeah" or "oh yeah? ha ha ha". I am sure everybody thought I was a jackass.

Note: It still happens once in a while ;-).

I think I am going to embarrass myself even more now. I am not happy about the fact that this post is going to show up on Facebook.

*sigh*

I Ain't Got No Money, Honey..

Common sense finally prevailed.

I did not buy the Streamium or the iPod dock, and I don't plan to buy any of those in the near future. I bought a vacuum cleaner instead, and I am glad I did. I brought it home and used it for like 2 minutes, just to test it, and it did wonders! After turning it off I saw the amount of dust it had in its dust compartment or whatever it's called, and I was both amazed and ashamed at the same time. Amazed because of the power and efficiency it managed to display, and ashamed because in just two minutes I realized that I have been living with filth around me for a very long period of time. The last I had vacuumed with my older crappy vacuum cleaner was about four months ago (maybe more, I don't know).

And I bought a 16 piece dinner set, because my folks are coming over for around a month, and I really did not have any decent plates,bowls and spoons to serve food to them in.

And then..

..I bid on two tickets to U2's concert in Chicago [the bitch]. I had to bid on them because obviously the show is sold out, and I have been thinking that this might be my only chance to see them ever, since they are getting older and may not tour in the future. Of course, there are more reasons that defy common sense, but what the hell, you only live once. Just last night I found out that Snow Patrol is opening for them, so that kind of motivated me all the more to get those tickets, although secretly I am hoping to be outbid/ sniped by somebody else.

And I am going to Normal this weekend because a couple of my friends are graduating, and then to Champaign to meet a good old friend of mine, and I am pretty sure that I would end up spending quite a substantial amount of money when I am there. 

And I got my car serviced this month, so spent a little bit on that.

Oh of course, how can I forget my bills - I have not yet paid them, and I hate paying them. So I have to still make way for a few hundreds of dollars. I sometimes feel that access to electricity, Internet and car insurance should be our birth right and we should not really pay for these man made necessary evils, but then that's just me I guess.

I am pretty sure that I will go broke by the 10th of this month.

So here's my plan.

I recently used a few amazing coupons and got a 5 lbs bag of potatoes for 88c (which is usually around 4 - 5 bucks). I also bought a loaf of bread for 38c (original retail price - $1.18). Now, my plan is to survive on just potatoes and bread until my parents come here. No Chinese, no Indian, no Pizza, no nothing. I will be a caveman for the next 15 days or so and try my best to survive. I think I will buy more bread because I am pretty sure that the loaf I have right now would vanish in the next 2-3 days. 

Hopefully a potato a day would keep the doctor away.

Sometimes I feel that I am way too honest and open on this blog. I probably should think twice before posting just about anything here simply because I don't want some people to know about what's going on in my life. 

Because they are assholes. 

Wrongness in the Right..

I think I am at that stage of my life where I have to explain to everyone about why I am the way I am. Explanations were not really a part of my life around a few years ago because I was surrounded by people who knew me inside out, and vice versa. Living with roommates also was not really a problem because in three years even they got a general idea of what I was. But now I am surrounded by people who I don't know very well, and when I do or propose to do something - they question. They either ask "why" questions, or they think that I shouldn't be doing what I plan to do at all. Some of them think that I am a really sweet guy (which I guess I am, to some extent), but I always have to tell them that in my younger days I have had my share of fun. I have done a few extreme things that I am not really proud of, but I am not ashamed of them either. Indulging in such things is a part of growing up after all.

So anyway, justifying my actions is slowly becoming a way of life, which to be honest, is annoying. I sometimes miss my friends a lot, simply because I am sure I would have been a totally different person (my usual self, if you will) if they were around me.

I have mellowed down a lot (I think) which is perhaps both good and bad. Good because it suits my age, and bad because I don't want it to suit my age. I want to be a wild animal like before, but miss the people who would help me become one.

I want catalysts who would bring my wild self back to life.

Are You Serious?

I am slightly irritated right since morning. I spoke to my mom this morning and what she told me came as a total shock. She wants me to get married. It was one of those "enough already" talks. Suddenly. My mom thinks this is the right time to get married. I asked what happened to the deal that we had about me not getting married for 2 years (one year is gone, btw). She said we would have to start looking now - it is a tedious process apparently. I told my sister about my chat with mom, and she also seconds mom's sentiment. She wants to talk to me in detail about all this.

So now I have no support whatsoever. I used to look at my single friends and kind of sympathised with them when they said that their parents are pressuring them to get married. I am one of them now I guess. Well, my parents are not really pressuring me, but it might just start - you never know.

Mom also said that I should reduce/quit smoking and drinking if I haven't already. I said I have quit smoking. She said she was glad I said that. She also told me that I should change my lifestyle and that I should be more accomodating and all that.

Man, it's a very strange and awkward feeling. My life would totally change if I get married. I cannot see myself doing things that I normally do, with another person. It's so weird.

My brain has not been functioning since morning. I have been thinking about this. Oh God!

Would You?

At lunch I had a discussion with a friend about how the university wants us to voluntarily take one to five days off without pay to save money.

Post lunch, I am sitting here at my desk, listening to music, and thinking - so what would happen if I really get laid off? And to make things worse, what if I don't get another job? Like, forever?

I think I would probably beg my friends to take care of me. I think I would offer to do their laundry, dishes, etc in exchange for free food and some pocket money.

This is no joke.

Hey guys, you will take care of me, right? *Eric Cartman voice*